#7 Bosses Must Drink Small Beers

Being a person with power here (aka “a boss”) can be very difficult. It’s a very backward life. The best way to be a boss here is to lose all logical decision making and act as irrational as possible. Rule Number 7 is about their choice of beverage. This is rule starts with possibly the greatest marketing scheme ever invented by a beverage company and it works perfectly into the “irrational” thought process by nearly every chefe. Practically every bar here has three types of beers of which comes in two different size bottles. The larger bottle is used by the client and then returned to the bar so it can be brought back to the beverage company (which is actually a great system of recycling). It prevents people drinking on the streets, in cars, and bar fights that start with the hooligans smashing the bottles on the bar because the bars demand the bottles back. The smaller bottle though, does not need to be returned to the bar. Once you get a small beer, you can go anywhere you want. But the catch is that the smaller bottle costs more than the larger bottle. The chefes and people here say that the quality is better, which is again the greatest marketing scheme ever created, and that is why they cost more. But what it comes down to is power and presenting that power in front of your inferiors. If you have money, you need to show you have money. That is how you get respect here unfortunately. SO what happens is that people actually buy the smaller bottles instead of the larger bottles even though they cost more AND they are staying at the bar. Sadly there are cases where these smaller bottles end up being perfect for traveling… and how to chefes travel here? In cars. Cars that they were given through the organization or governmental agency they work for. And this just adds to the risk of traveling here in general. But are all chefes here horrible people and drunk drivers, no. Not at all. But there is a trend. The one nice thing about drinking with these kinds of people is that another way to present money/wealth/power is to buy others beers which is how I get a lot of beers paid for and it ends up being a good time. Just the whole time I’m rolling my eyes as my boss talks about the “nonexistent” higher quality of his small beer he just paid extra for.

#6 Do not eat squid with spicy chilies lime juice or you will die.

Neighbor: What are you cooking? Derek: Squid. Neighbor: We have a rule. You cannot put chili peppers in the sauce or you will die. Eric: But we already did. A lot of them. Why is that a rule? Neighbor: Oh. I don’t know. But you can ask the other neighbor, he will confirm it. Derek: Ok, if you find us dead tomorrow you will know why. Next Day: Eric: So squid and chili peppers are bad to mix? Other neighbor: No. Why? Eric: So I won’t die? Other neighbor: You die if you mix squid with limes. You don’t serve squid with limes. Eric: Oh ok. Good thing we didn’t use limes. Other neighbor: Yeah. These are actual conversations in our daily lives. Also we almost died.

#5 When it Comes to Eating Rats, Always go with the Free Range

So people eat rats here and it’s a pretty common to see someone walking around our neighborhood with a bucket of grilled rats. For about 8 small, skewered, grilled rats it costs 30 cents and is considered a novelty here, especially by our neighbors. I have had the special opportunity to try them and they aren’t actually all that bad. The preferred method of preparing them is taking the already grilled rats, cut them in half, clean them out, and fry them with some oil, salt and onion. And if you are really into fine rat-dining, you can spice them up with a little bit of lime juice. But the thing you need to be careful of is NOT to eat rats from the house, only the “matu” or the wild. But that seems weird right? To actually eat rats but to also be concerned with where they came from? THEY ARE RATS! How could they get worse?! But apparently when we ask about this rule, their response is that they smell weird. And I don’t even think they could ever tell the difference, they just say that and really do question it. This took me a while for it to make sense, but then the rats in our house proceeded to eat a hole in our glue sticks and take them away when the glue leaked out, which just goes to show that maybe there is some truth to foul-smelling-house-rats-that-eat-glue-and-plastic. And who would want to eat them? This is the 40 piece bucket option in our neighborhood. No mashed potatoes or coleslaw though which is the downside.

#4 Standing in line in an ATM is only for idiots

The concept of waiting your turn in a line here is slowly catching on. Very slowly. Very very slowly. I’m not sure how long the actual concept of a line has been around for, but I am sure it started a super long time ago with the dinosaurs and waiting their turns at the water hole. Yeah, reptiles are more organized than some of these people. It’s a very basic concept, yet no one gets it. Instead what happens is that everyone crowds around the machine and slowly inches forward in hope to get in front of the next person. But it gets worse. Then there are people that will bring multiple cards from all their friends and family and take 4 or 5 times as much time as they would with only one card. But it gets worse. Then there are the people that stand in the shade away from the masses and then walk up when they think their spot should be in the front because they have been watching the people that would be behind them. And it gets worse. I swear the women that want to get money only dress up because some idiot will allow them to cut in front of them, and it happens all the time (also best perk for being a woman here). And it continues to get worse. A typical ATM machine will break down and go off-line once in about twenty withdrawals or it will run out of money. And the worst, the only way to withdrawal money is from the ATM outside. Can’t do it inside the bank where there is AC for some reason… that would be too logical. So how do you avoid these problems? Wake up early and be there at 5am. Go at night. Go when the teachers are not getting paid. And pull out a lot of money to avoid going multiple times a month. Oh and don’t wait in a line and if you do, bring a book. NO LINES!!!! Best day ever!

#3 Boiled Roots Must be Served with Tea

Don’t be amateurs like us and serve boiled roots in Mozambique without tea. We got put to shame the other day when we had boiled some exotic roots that were brought to us by a friend and tried sharing them with our friends in the absence of tea. We might as well insulted them by offering them papayas before 10am. Anyways it resulted in us boiling water for them just so that they could use half of our sugar with their tea.